THE COSMIC KICK STARTS - WHERE DO WE COME FROM?

Once upon a time, many millennia ago, a wise old wizard named Abel Xavier Lindsey owned a powerful talisman, combining all the major elements of power present in the world into one almighty artefact, of which it was rumoured that whoever owned it would rule the world, and all in it. Events have been obscured by the sands of time, but there appears to have been some kind of mystical power struggle, in which the talisman was broken, and the pieces scattered throughout the world. The world was thrown into anarchic disarray, and ever since then, has felt no uniting force, resulting in a cycle of wars and hatred, civilisations rising and falling, murder, hate, moral degradation, opera music, bestiality, pot noodles, cunts, pricks, wankers, students, indie clubs, abortion, sex before marriage, Ryan Howell, metal bands and other such blights on the harmony of the world.

Fast forward to 1975, a bright-eyed traveller named Maxwell is told this story by an ancient monk in a Nepalese monastery, and becomes determined to reunite the six pieces of the fabled talisman and restore a sense of dignity and occasion upon the world as it had been all those thousands of years ago. He set about his gruelling task, and the resultant tale is the subject of much controversy, debate and dubious moral integrity, and shall therefore be recited only in abridged form here...

Maxwell's first port of call was the busy red light district of central Hong Kong. Aided by a group of disillusioned Communists, Maxwell managed to break into "Club Amsterdam", a seedy establishment by anyone's standards, and from under the main stage suceeded in retrieving the Ting-Li sector of the talisman, said to represent solidness, strength and time-keeping. Maxwell's long-journey had begun.

Next, Maxwell found himself on a tour of the Hovis factory near Sheffield, Northern England. Wary of multiple elderly citizens approaching him continuously with propositions of marriage and shared riches, Maxwell kept himself to himself, but in backing away from a herd of said grave-dodgers, Maxwell fell into a huge vat of liquidised yeast. At the bottom of said vat, Maxwell was amazed to find the second shard of the talisman, the Baker sector! This piece was supposed to represent wisdom, and sense in the face of adversity. Who was a very happy Maxwell!?

A couple of years afterwards, Maxwell was on a safari, accompanying a group of fellow adventurers on a goodwill mission into deepest darkest Africa. Upon meeting a small tribe of natives, Maxwell was overjoyed to be presented with a lump of ornate metal, referred to only as a "Jarv". You can imagine his amazement when, on further examination, this "Jarv" turned out to be none other than the third piece in Maxwell's ancient puzzle, the piece representing skill and technical ability! Go, Maxwell!!!

It is 1992. Maxwell finds himself stranded in the middle of the Australian Outback. Lost and alone, a severely dehydrated and delusional Maxwell stumbles around blindly seeking water. Eventually, Maxwell collapses, but just before his eyes close for the last time he spies on the floor not two metres from his position, a lump of metal. Suddenly, he is possessed with the will and the power to carry on, pocketing this lump of metal as he goes. For this is no ordinary lump of metal, but the Drake, the fourth part of the talisman, fabled for its courage, heart and soul.

Trekking through the foothills of Azerbaijan in late summer 1994, Maxwell is taken by a most beautiful sound. Curious and bewitched, Maxwell moves closer, and is amazed to discover a small group of shepherds playing a beautiful primal symphony. Just then, Maxwell notices, through his enchanted stupor, that the plectrum with which one of the shepherds is playing looks mighty familiar, and realises with shock that this is the Br'Uk, the fifth piece, rumoured to hold immense creative powers. In his greatest display yet of wit and cunning, Maxwell tricks the shepherds into giving him the plectrum, in exchange for his wallet. CRAFTY OLD MAXWELL!!!

it is 2002. Maxwell has all but given up on ever finding the sixth piece of the talisman, and it is all but forgotten in his mind. One night, after a gig by the latest big thing in the New York electro-funk scene at the Bowery Ballroom, Maxwell finds himself back at the studio apartment of a beautiful young New York maiden named Roxanne. Things begin to get a little, shall we say, Steamy, and soon the couple are lying on the sofa, caressing each others' bodies passionately. Maxwell feels Roxanne's hard nipples and hears her moans, and feels it is time for the next stage. He gently inserts his hand into young Roxanne's panties, and is shocked, but not dismayed, to discover something hard down there. As well as that, he feels the long-sought sixth piece of the talisman, the Jack, said to represent glamour, charisma and sexuality. When Maxwell leaves the next morning, with ringpiece sore, he makes certain that in his pocket he has the sixth piece of the talisman in his pocket. SCORE!

That summer, 2002, Maxwell made it home to Rochester, Kent, dizzy with excitement. He had suceeded! All six pieces were his! He could now finally restore order to the world! Carefully, he assembled the six pieces and they formed a beautiful brooch. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and before him stood an impeccably turned-out, flawlessly-stylish innovative and indefinable guitar band. Better still than the world peace he had anticipated, Maxwell realised: THE COSMIC KICK STARTS WERE BORN!